Tag Archives: burnout

Monday Melancholy

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My heart is racing as soon as I roll my arm over to the nightstand, and pound the phone with my thumb.  Snooze, snooze, snooze, please.  I roll back and close my eyes, while my brain goes from dazed to alert and concerned in seconds.  My chest feels very heavy with an occasional tug every few minutes.  My stomach is chattering loudly.  Another week, same start.  I silently analyze the possible reasons for the discomfort.  Is it last night’s pinot noir, followed by a dark chocolate, gelato laced Napoleon?  Or the dull pain felt since realizing my pets will all pass before me?  Maybe, as the morning talk shows say, the simple lack of sleep has prodded my body into dysfunction.

There isn’t much time for quiet contemplation on a Monday morning, and so I jump out of bed for the morning ablutions.  The sick feeling accompanies me.  It hovers over my hands as I stack papers and shove them into a bag.  It is observant while I open and close the fridge, before ultimately deciding that today needs to be a fasting day of sorts.

Can it be that it is another Monday, and I am still sourcing dull outfits paired with interesting bracelets for a looming staff meeting? That is the most disconcerting thought of all.  I will sit quietly, facing the organizational chart of “committees supervising sub-committees leveraging councils,” and I will take furious notes…about my grocery list.

I grab the requisite house and car keys and rush out of the house, down the steps and into the car. The package in the passenger seat is the one my husband said he needed today; so I awkwardly squeeze back out of the car with the package in one hand and keys in the other.  I am certain I will burst into tears.

I break into a smile instead when I walk up and see my open kitchen door.  My basset labrador (yes, such a thing exists) is standing in the center of the room, tail wagging and face grinning.  My husband is there too – clearly the dog is magical, but not enough to sprout thumbs, or grow four feet taller, and tackle door handles.

Somtimes, a long dog with a fat neck is what takes the edge off.  I turn on the ignition.  Dunkin’ Donuts large French vanilla with cream does not hurt either.  Inner peace comes slowly.

Main Conference Room

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The presenter drones on, and I have admired my nail polish for a full three minutes now.  I am still enthralled by how beautiful the color is.  A charcoal grey base, that had suited my mood perfectly last Friday, is gently blended with a soothing teal undertone.  Almost angry, but truthfully, a little sad.  It is indeed mesmerizing.  But not enough to get me through three hours of sales talk about “targeting consumers at critical touch points in their life stage, maximizing ROI, CPL, and CPA.”  Sigh and double sigh.

I make quick judgments in life.  In business meetings, I evaluate pants and wedding bands primarily in my decision-making.  Pleated pants and gold-tone jewelry mean classic corporate, of the type that wears golf shirts regularly in addition to playing the game. When the guest of honor has the added pluses of thick cuffs on his trousers, a navy jacket paired with a black belt, and a suburban address on the business card, I want to run head-first into the heavy glass door.  I am not a fashionista or a hipster; this blog’s tagline is indeed IRONIC.  I am just a lifelong corporate cog-in-the-wheel who is finally owning up to my truth.

I knew when I was asked to wear a suit to a job that consisted primarily of making photocopies.  I knew when a client sent back her potato chips, so I could ask the executive kitchen to whip up sweet treats instead.  I knew when my company offered me free golf lessons.  I knew when an associate asked to be escorted into the building to avoid the drizzle outside.  “Man up!” I wanted to scream.  Or perhaps asking him to take some boyish delight in the rain would have been even better.

You might wonder if I am battling some anger issues.  Yes, I am.  All the time lately.  I wish I had followed my heart.  Instead, I succumbed to my perfectionist tendency to try to do everything moderately well; and I misled my bosses (and myself) along the way about what I would actually enjoy doing.  I can manage people – because I work really hard at it.  But it doesn’t negate my introversion and preference to work alone behind closed doors…in another building.

So, today we put an end to self-sabotage.  Raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens…tea and bonnets, here I come.