The presenter drones on, and I have admired my nail polish for a full three minutes now.  I am still enthralled by how beautiful the color is.  A charcoal grey base, that had suited my mood perfectly last Friday, is gently blended with a soothing teal undertone.  Almost angry, but truthfully, a little sad.  It is indeed mesmerizing.  But not enough to get me through three hours of sales talk about “targeting consumers at critical touch points in their life stage, maximizing ROI, CPL, and CPA.”  Sigh and double sigh.

I make quick judgments in life.  In business meetings, I evaluate pants and wedding bands primarily in my decision-making.  Pleated pants and gold-tone jewelry mean classic corporate, of the type that wears golf shirts regularly in addition to playing the game. When the guest of honor has the added pluses of thick cuffs on his trousers, a navy jacket paired with a black belt, and a suburban address on the business card, I want to run head-first into the heavy glass door.  I am not a fashionista or a hipster; this blog’s tagline is indeed IRONIC.  I am just a lifelong corporate cog-in-the-wheel who is finally owning up to my truth.

I knew when I was asked to wear a suit to a job that consisted primarily of making photocopies.  I knew when a client sent back her potato chips, so I could ask the executive kitchen to whip up sweet treats instead.  I knew when my company offered me free golf lessons.  I knew when an associate asked to be escorted into the building to avoid the drizzle outside.  “Man up!” I wanted to scream.  Or perhaps asking him to take some boyish delight in the rain would have been even better.

You might wonder if I am battling some anger issues.  Yes, I am.  All the time lately.  I wish I had followed my heart.  Instead, I succumbed to my perfectionist tendency to try to do everything moderately well; and I misled my bosses (and myself) along the way about what I would actually enjoy doing.  I can manage people – because I work really hard at it.  But it doesn’t negate my introversion and preference to work alone behind closed doors…in another building.

So, today we put an end to self-sabotage.  Raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens…tea and bonnets, here I come.